Aww, thanks <3
I’m having so many mixed emotions, it’s awful. I keep switching between denial, depression, and anger. I HATE Tom for doing this to me. I am so mad that he just gave up like that. That he abandoned me when I needed him most. I honestly wanted to die that night, and he just ignored all my cries for help. That is so fucked up. And the fact that he was going to have his friends be the one who told me he wanted a divorce - what the fuck!? This is a fucking marriage, not some goddamn high school relationship. I’m mad at him for causing me more pain than I have EVER felt, and not caring that he did so. Continuing to cause me even more pain. Not caring about ANYTHING I have to say. STILL not responding to me. Even the physical pain that this has caused. I’ve been clenching my jaw so much that my teeth are too sore to eat. For the past week, I have eaten less than 500 ish calories every day. I’m so angry with him, but I keep thinking that I can’t believe this is happening. WHY did it come to this, WHY did he just give up like that. Feeling like he never really cared about me. Hating how easy this is for him. And even though he doesn’t deserve me, that the things he’s done don’t deserve forgiveness, I still find myself missing him. Or at least the person I THOUGHT he was. I’m in a house full of people, little children who will NOT leave me alone, but I still feel so lonely. I miss my home. My uncle is so unbelievably supportive, even building me my own room, giving me a car to use - but being here is hard. The damn kids just constantly bothering me. But the hardest part about this is that I’ve kind of lost myself. I can’t be myself here. I can’t scream at the tv, curse, sing my stupid little songs to the cats - I can’t be the silly, goofy person that I really am. Tom was the only person I was truly myself around. And now that’s gone. I feel so empty. This feeling is so much worse than when my mom died. I still have moments where I wish I could die. Sometimes I wish I could kill myself if only to punish Tom. That’s horrible, but it’s the truth. But I couldn’t do that. My family has already lost too much - my uncle killed himself years ago, and my mom. And even though my mom’s death wasn’t an intentional suicide, she did kill herself too. She was constantly taking more pain pills than she should have. When she died, there were three different drugs that were of lethal doses. My mom did want to die. She prayed for death. I prayed for death because I just wanted the pain to end. I know I can get through this, it’s just so fucking hard. I’ve already had to deal with so much shit in my life. And I’m mad that Tom didn’t understand that, didn’t understand that it wasn’t his fault that I was constantly depressed. I’m mad that he didn’t force me to get help, because he KNEW I was sick. We planned on spending our entire lives together and I don’t know how he could so easily throw that away. I have moments where I’ll think things like I’m better off without him, he’s never gonna find someone as amazing as me, etc…But deep down I’m still terrified - scared that I will never find someone else, that no other man will think I’m beautiful because of my weight, that no one else will understand my goofiness. I know that person is out there, but what if I don’t find him. How do I meet this person? How long do I have to be alone? How long will I have to go without sex? And I’m TERRIFIED of Tom finding another woman. Wondering how long he’ll give himself before dating again. The thought of him being with someone else kills me. Especially if it’s before I find someone else. And I know I shouldn’t date for a long time, that I should focus on myself - but the fucking loneliness. Just wanting someone to hug and cuddle with. Someone who will hold me and tell me it’s gonna be okay. Tom was once a good man, he was amazing. I took him for granted. I didn’t tell him I loved him enough. Didn’t even show him that I loved him. But I did. I loved him so much. I still do. I don’t want to love him, but I do. There are times when I want nothing more than to just be in his arms, if only for one last time. I just want the pain to end.
I am. For everyone wondering: My husband Saturday asked for a divorce, out of the blue. I was feeling suicidal and on Friday I had wrote myself a note telling me to kill myself. On Saturday, my family found it, and I was brought into inpatient therapy as a precaution. So, I’m alive. But I’m hurting.
My Halloween costume. All the Avengers combined! I had purple shorts, green fishnets, and makeup inspired by Hulk, an Iron Man shirt (and gloves but one is off), and obviously the shield and hammer for Captain and Thor.
That little headbutt in the second one gave me diabetes.
Oh my god give me
“Excuse me, human. I would like a petting, please. Yes, thank you.”
“Um, excuse me, human? Human? Ah yes, I’d like another petting please. Ah, thank you.”
THE SATISFIED LOOK ON ITS FACE
THE POLITE CAT IS BACK ON MY BLOG.
OMFG CUTEST THING EVER